New Year, New Direction

If you haven’t noticed, I grew tired of writing about the same ol’ stuff and actually considered deleting this blog. 

I have since reconsidered, but will change the focus.  I am no longer planning on trying to create a discourse on the stupidity of blindly following the Paleo Purists; it’s just too mentally unhealthy.  I still believe that there are a bunch of really good resources out there, but too many of those who have voices are only in it for themselves, and I cannot be a part of that. 

Unfortunately, while we may eschew carbs, we cannot eschew greed.  Sad.

GIRL FIGHT!

I stumbled upon something this AM, whilst I was drinking my coffee, and it stirred something within me.  I honestly have no clue as to which direction this post will turn, so please bear with me.

My muse was a FB response from The Food Lovers’ Primal Palate to Health Bent’s blog post on quitting Paleo.  You can find Health Bent’s post here.  While I do feel that a portion of the HB post is based out of vanity, I cannot say that the crux of it is not spot on.  Particularly this:

“…We battled the Paleo Purists, and the “paleo-izing” of our favorite conventional foods & flavors, being told by one popular Paleo blogger that we had “sucrose sweetened venom” running through our veins. Lol. All so now those same dogmatic purists sell the same message, via hypocrisy, in the form of diet books, product affiliations, and cookbooks. Needless to say (but I’m saying it anyway), we don’t participate in the Paleo circle jerk (I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine) and don’t really find ourselves wanting to be associated with people who perpetuate perfection, dogma, treat/carb-shaming, and disordered eating a la guilt and excuse making when they eat “unpaleo” food…”

Now, if you have taken a few minutes to read any of my posts, you would know that I am a definite fan of this selection.

The next selection is the piece from Health Bent that is drawing the ire of the FLPP:  “Let me be very frank here: If you don’t look good (my idea of good), I’m not particularly interested in taking your advice. Shallow? Snarky? Maybe. But if you don’t walk the walk, then, to me, you have have little credibility–I don’t care how many letters you have (or don’t have) after your name. And within the Paleo community, there are very few “credible” looking female figureheads. In other words, I’m not really inspired by many female paleos.”

So, that seems to be pretty damn honest to me.  Kudos for at least knowing that your rationale blows.  She knows what inspires her and is willing to admit it.  Shallow as fuck?  Yes, oh HELL YES, but different strokes for different folks.  What seems to get lost in translation, betwixt the two snippets, is a much deeper dissatisfaction with the direction that WE are headed (time to beat the drum again).

Crossfitters ran into this when Reebok came into the picture, and now the foodies are running into it now that there is a definitive Paleo niche in the health market.

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Are we losing our way?  What happened to self-discovery and being proud of it, feelings be damned?  This…

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Do you remember what this felt like, way back when you started your journey?  Have you come to the end, to know who you really are, or are we all constantly evolving?

Perhaps we need to invent a paleo version of this:

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No doubt, the ingredient list will partially contain coconut oil and baking soda…

 …And someone will try to sell it.

Fuck, now I have a headache.

Meandering Through the Evening – A Live Look at Rogue Paleo

OK, so this blog is going to be periodically updated though the course of the evening. Why?  Because I’m fucking bored, and I havent posted in a while.

7:00 PM:  Im watching TV and waiting for my bison roast to finish up in the crockpot.  TV choice – hockey

Paleo Thought – Why the fuck is there a pre-packaged cookie available?  You all know I am anti-consumerism (especially concerning Paleo), so his shouldn’t be a surprise.  Good for the FLPP to make more money n’ shit, but it’s bullshit.  

7:15: Just spent some time looking at a post about POTATOES.  Thought #1 – I love potatoes. Thought #2 – I wish researchy articles would just have a “click here if you don’t want to read all of the bullshit in this article” button.  Thought #3 – Do I say bullshit a lot?

Paleo Thought – I’m fucking hungry.  

7:25:

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ERMAHGERD!  Nightshades, delicious nightshades.  Soon you will GET IN MAH BELLY!

7:30:   HAHAHA!  I just had to share this.  I jumped over to my stats and noticed that someone found my blog by using the search terms “I hate Paleo”.  Whoopsie.

7:45:  I decided I am going to eat at 8.  And use horseradish.  And buttah.  Hockey game sucks.

I bet you’re wondering why I am flying solo?  Wife has multiple meetings and the kid is out prepping to hunt some ducks.

Paleo Thought – Smoked duck jerky is un-fucking-believable.  I should sell it prepackaged and people could just slice it off and eat it.  

8:03:  Supper time.  I may not get on because it’s 8, and I worked all day.  This was horrible, but I might do it again.

 

10 Reasons I Hate Paleo

1.  People – Paleo involves people, and people suck.  Sometimes, paleo people suck extra – like when they get all preachy n’ shit.

2.  Beer – Beer is passé, and I love beer.

3.  Bulletproof coffee – Ponce de Leon ain’t got shit on Dave Asprey, apparently.

4.  Constant food pictures – Eat the shit, and quit taking pictures.  All you’re doing is making me hungry.

5.  Cookbooks – Why must every cookbook waste the first 15-20 pages telling us the same stuff.  I just want some NEW recipes, goddammit.

6.  “Food Porn” –   Really?!?  Food has nothing to do with porn and if you’re watching porn for food ideas, you have some serious issues.  I am convinced that this term must have been invented by some Puritans who wanted to feel naughty.

7.  SAD parties – Going to one of these makes me want to kick kittens.  I know you have all been there.

8.  Paleo Blogs – Oh the irony!

9.  Facebook posts – See #1.

10.  The hegemony of a supposed postmodern societal construct based on the premise of a proposed neolithic domain – Ain’t that a bitch?

My New Paleo Product

Hey all, I am so excited to let you all know about a new product that I am in the midst of developing.  After minutes upon minutes of painstaking R & D, and, literally, tens and tens of cents, I am proud to announce my new product to the Paleo masses:

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Yes, this Paleo Water is literally wet enough to drink!  Your eyes did NOT fool you – Wet. Enough. To. Drink.  

Now, you may be thinking, “What about the rampant problems with GMO’s currently plaguing the world?”  I have certified that Paleo Water is not only GMO-free, but Google told me that H2O2 will kill your ass, so don’t worry about Monsanto trying to do anything like that to you, in an effort to take your money. Nope.

I also have evidence that my proprietary blend of municipally-sourced hydration, Clorox bleach tabs, and trace amounts of feces and/or micturition is nearly identical to the type of water that the cavemen used to satiate their thirst!  

Check out this testimonial from Hugh G. Rection:

“Paleo Water is the shit!  After drinking Paleo Water for a week, I managed to lose 20 pounds.  My family thought it was dysentery, but I know, for a fact, that Paleo Water came through for me.  It worked for me, and it will work for you too!”

There you have it, folks – don’t settle for cheap knock-offs.  Look for the original Paleo Water hitting stores near you.

 

My Gift to You

To apologize for my lengthy absence, I decided to give you a gift.

Below is the recipe for a paleoized version of my mom’s homemade barbecue.  I will be slathering this all over the primal meatloaf I currently have in my smoker.  If you wind up eating most of it while it is simmering on your stove top, that’s OK – it’s easy to make, and stupid good, so I won’t blame you.

Ingredients:
1 large sweet onion finely diced
4 Tbs. coconut oil

Sautee that shit together over medium heat about 10 minutes.

While sauteeing combine (in a small saucepan):
2 Tbs. maple syrup
3 Tbs. cider vinegar
1/2 tsp. black pepper
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. chili powder
3 Tbs. horseradish
1 – 15 oz. can tomato sauce
3 Tbs. mustard

Simmer all over low until thick. Will keep for a couple of weeks, if sealed in airtight container.

meatloaf

You’re welcome, Fuckers.

Lack of Inspiration Leads to Shitty Blog

Welcome to my world.

I have been trying to pen a post about miserable people, but I’m just not feeling it.  When you combine that with the fact that I have been busier than a discount prostitute that hands out coupons, you get…

…nothing.

My bad.  Things should return to normal soon.

Y T43 1nterw3b i5 8@d 4 Ur 43@lt4 (Why the Interweb is Bad for Your Health)

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We all want more – more information, more money, more bacon…  The truth of the matter, though, is that the internet, while chock full o’ information, is a dark, dirty cesspool of scary shit that is just waiting to make you soil yourself.

Have you ever known someone who Googles everything that is wrong with them and winds up driving themselves crazy because they have officially diagnosed themselves with Ebola? I used to be that way, to an extent.  Once, when my child was young, I looked in one of the What to Expect… books and thought he had meningitis.  That’s some scary shit for anyone, let alone an infant (not to mention a young, nervous parent). In the end, after collecting myself for a brief moment, I came to realize it was a combination of teething and heat rash, but hey, it made for an exciting few minutes.

Unfortunately, I believe the Paleo world is creating a similar phenomena.  I don’t think it is a secret that I am in a Facebook group dedicated to promoting the Paleo Movement, and, in fact, I am a guest blogger on the Paleo Movement Online Magazine, which is officially launching today.  The group, called the IPMG (a closed group, almost 6k strong), is a great place to go to receive support, ask some questions, and generally associate with some relatively like-minded individuals. Unfortunately, group diagnosing seems to happen.

A lot.

I understand it, to an extent.  When you’re around people you’re comfortable with, it’s easy to open up and just seek an opinion – especially when you get the fat adaptation shits and want to know what the hell is happening.  The difference, for me, is that I choose to ask my spouse for an opinion on non-paleo-related things.  In internet groups, Paleo or not, what often happens is that we search for medical opinions pre-emptive of an actual doctor consultation.  Paleo groups seem to consider themselves better than doctors, because much of what we do goes against what our doctors, and the FDA, tell us.  Mix in a bit of medical distrust and/or a bad experience, or two, and we are ripe for setting ourselves up for a potential disaster.

On Opinion Seeking – 

When we seek the opinions of others,  we mainly do it so that we can rationalize the decision we actually want to make, and often it only takes one person to agree with us so that we feel OK with what we want to do.

The second part of this process, is that when we make a poor decision, having someone help us make he decision allows us to direct part of the blame in their direction, if we fall flat on our ass. The others, who agree with us, help us justify our actions and serve as an emotional shield, of sorts.

The third, and final, part of the process is that, in group diagnosing, the inquisitor often practices a combination of insulated and defensive listening.  In insulated listening, we refuse to acknowledge the opinions that disagree with what we want to hear, and when you couple that with taking some of the valid, dissenting, points as personal attacks, things can quickly get fugly.

The Paleo Community has a chip on its shoulder, rightfully so.

Many of us have been called quacks, fools, fad dieters, or just straight-out crazy by strangers, co-workers and even family.  We know that what we are doing is working for us because of the considerable losses and gains that we have made in many areas of our lives, despite what the nay-sayers tell us. It is entirely understandable to want to circle the wagons and keep the bad voices out**, but we all need to keep in mind that common sense should still come into the equation of making a sound decision.

(SOB – Apparently WordPress doesn’t feel this next paragraph should format correctly)  

I think the big thing to remember is that, in the end, you have to make your own decision free of the internet, and free of outside influence in the form of groups.  Ask a close friend, confidant, or spouse (hopefully he/she meets the context of close friend and confidant), who will give you an honest, thoughtful answer, for their opinion.  Then, talk to a professional, and make the best decision for yourself and your convictions.  You don’t need us to help you make the best decision for you.

**Note: If you are hearing bad voices, in the absence of real people being present, please seek a medical professional.

Fuck Being a Cave Person (Part Two)

Part one revisited and reflected upon – 

If you’ll remember, in part one, I left off with a fairly poignant challenge to one well-known Paleo community leader.  It is what it is, but I would hope that this person will one day recognize that the influence of his/her passion is much greater than they realize.  Maybe this person doesn’t consider themselves a leader, if so that is a shame, because their visibility allows them to make a huge difference.  Here it is again:

BAM!

One final note regarding this quote:  The world would be a much better place if we could all keep this in mind, wouldn’t it?

So, what got my panties all in a bunch?

One of the main reasons I want to pimp-slap my laptop, every time I log on to Facebook, is that I see boundless recipes for sweet stuff.  For instance, in a 15-minute span, I had a cake, chocolate bread, cookies, and some bars come through my news feed.  How do these help people after years of a SAD diet?

Now, here’s my concession.  Is there a place for Paleo treats?  Hell yes.  Do we need to be careful eating them?  Fuck yes.  Why?  Because they are gateway foods.  Once the sweet tooth hits you again, it can lead to a rapid downward-spiral.

What truly gets stuck in my craw are the comments that some people post with their recipes. I see things like, “These are so good, this is the 3rd time I have made them this week!” Really? In explicitly saying how delicious they are, you are implicitly saying that it is OK to eat them that much.

Yes, really.

I’ll say it once more.  Cookies, breads, bars, and pies, in any form, are not good to eat.

So, if we are eschewing cave-stuff, for a more modern flair, what should we call it?

I really like the idea of JERF (Just Eat Real Food), and I will readily admit that I refer to JERF, to help people understand the premise behind Paleo, but I also have to admit that saying, “I’m a JERFer” or “Hey, I’m JERFing” just sounds stupid and/or sexually deviant.

What about this – Natural Noshing?  Um, no.  Ha, that just sounds stupid and looks even worse when I type it.  Fuck that noise.

OK, how about ALPHA EATING?!  Yeah, that sounds pretty righteous.

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or

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Some basis for this name:  Alpha – the first letter of the Greek alphabet has the value of 1 and the meaning of “beginning or first.”

If we are attempting to eat an ancestral or original diet, using alpha seems to make sense.  There is also the added benefit of thinking of eating real food as the beginning of the new you, as well.

I have made multiple references to that sentiment.  In part one, I phrased it this way:  PALEO IS NOT A WAY OF LIFE; IT IS THE BEGINNING OF A NEW LIFE.  I cannot emphasize this enough to you. Once you start alpha eating, you will look, feel, and think differently.  When you can feel you’re doing something right, you know you’re on the right track.

Now, some magnesium-supplementing sonofabitch will say, “I thought you were attacking identity in Part One?!?”  I wasn’t attacking identity; I wasn’t cursing people for wanting to relate, and you need to re-read what I said, if you think I was.

In the end, it doesn’t matter what you call it.  If you ascribe to the spear-chucking, primal nature of the caveman or the feel-good, go-hug-your-organic-farmer vibes of JERFing, simply try to be as much of you as you can be.  Once you start to let go of the things that make you uncommon, in favor those that allow you to fit in, you sacrifice your ability to DO something great for the sake of BEING something familiar.

conformitydemotivator

Fuck Being a Cave Person (Part one)

Identity – 

Identity is an interesting thing. We cling to things, like names to help us define who we are, and what we are doing, because it makes us feel good. We have been taught that this is a good thing to do by the years of branding that has invaded our brains from different mediums.

Now don’t get me wrong, this post isn’t simply about the name Paleo. As a name, Paleo rolls off the tongue easily (kinda like that night I spent with your mom); however, I don’t think it provides and adequate snapshot of what it is we do, nor is it representative of the diverse set of individuals in the community.

Isn’t Paleo all about being active, eating good (see: healthy) shit, and being true to yourself? That’s not paleolithic. That’s common-fucking-sense.

Enter the anger – 

You know what else isn’t paleolithic?  Cookies.  Muffins.  Breads. I cannot believe how many “Paleo” asshats there are out there that make this shit and pass it off as eating REAL GODDAMN FOOD! The worst part of it is that people who should be acting as ambassadors for the movement have bastardized real, healthy foodstuffs by injecting a whole new category:  paleo baked goods.

Now, for those sensitive to gluten, or have other serious food-related health issues, I fully advocate this category as getting some of the good stuff that you are now missing out on. But for those who don’t have these problems, you don’t need any of these treats. Why? Because if you want a cookie, GO EAT A FUCKING COOKIE or two.  Just have control.

And, when it comes to the treats, don’t give me any of that nom-nom bullshit either; we aren’t six-year-olds. Grow up.

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Well, isn’t Paleo all about being inclusive of all the different eating groups? NO! Paleo is a template for people to begin their journey to better health and vitality. You should be encouraged to go outside the box and tailor this template for whatever goal(s) you have in mind.

I’ll say it here:  PALEO IS NOT A WAY OF LIFE; IT IS THE BEGINNING OF A NEW LIFE – USE IT AS A GUIDE!

In the past, I have been pretty vocal about the process of caveman consumerism, so why should I stop now? Case in point:

Recently, I have been getting updates on the process of certain website that has all kinds of good, wholesome recipes but only seems to promote the treat items. Why? Because they drive traffic. Now, this same website releases an app, and we get treated to a barrage of:

(fap fap fap) “OMG, I AM SO EFFING EXCITED, I JUST BLEW MY LOAD OF KERRYGOLD ALL OVER MY SCREEN AS PEOPLE BUY MY APP THAT PROMOTES THE MAKING OF TREATS!  I’M SO LUCKY! (/end fap)

Really?!?  All you’re just doing the same thing that is so prevalent in the SAD (Standard American Diet). You are passing garbage off on the premise that it is good for you. Paleo treats are not good for you; they just aren’t as bad as the ones traditionally marketed. People, you don’t need these things. Making treats, and wanting them, is only forcing you to do an emotional recall on all of your previous bad habits.

Wake up! –

Help yourself before helping others line their pockets. I, for one, refuse to associate myself with this kind of shameless self-promotion and pseudo-paleo existence.

Food for thought – 

For those of you who enjoying your newfound fame, maybe just a little too much, I leave you with this thought on character.

BAM!